Ubisoft give me (subsidised) stuff

So, about 16 years ago, a few months back, I went skiing with Ubisoft, because I had a big coat and nothing much else to do with it. We ended up in a resort called Les Carroz and unlike last time, it actually snowed while I was there. In fact, the first day we were there it was -10°C at the top, and then we got the death fog.

Still, in terms of self-improvement, I did learn how to turn properly on a snowboard, and in terms of self-unimprovement, I learned how much more hurt you can achieve when you go faster. For anybody perusing the values of skiing/snowboarding, I've provided a handy time-management pie chart thusly:

If you're wondering just how much pain you're likely to experience, I've again broken it down into a handy pie chart:

This, of course, could come across as a little daunting to the average Joe Salt-of-the-earth, so I can offer these simple tips on avoiding crippling yourself:

• Don't fall on your head. This hurts.
• Don't repeatedly fall on the same spot on your ass. This starts out funny, but then just hurts.
• Don't snowboard in the fog. Aside from anything else, it just makes the ground hard to see as it's coming up to hit you in the face.
• This doesn't have anything to do with avoiding pain, unless it's the pain of humiliation: if your board falls off when you're going up a ski-lift, there's a 50/50 chance that you're boned.

Also, try this: take a friend, find the top of a big hill, sit on your board, and ass-shunt forward to start. Remember: hurling abuse makes you go faster. Also, unless you've had a touching farewell with your board at the top of the hill, it's also nice to have something at the bottom to stop it. A wall, small children; they're all good.

And yes, I like pie-charts.